Satyrical+Essay



__The End of All Scams__

For thousands of years humanity has been used and abused by con men. These people are greedy and immoral and take advantage of good-hearted people. There are many historic examples of this infamous aspect of human behavior. A prime example can be found in the preachers of the Second Great Awakening in America. While many of these men had good intentions, some used their invigorating speeches to whip their audience into a frenzy of generosity, which led to heavy "donations" from these emotionally vulnerable worshippers. Another example is the circuses that toured the U.S. in the 1880's, where many grifters were ready to trick innocent people out of their money. Today, money scams infiltrate all aspects of our lives. Some of the worst offenders are televangelists, who in the name of God ask their viewers for money for themselves. Also atop the list are the thousands of villains who create eBay auctions for nonexistent products. Also, don’t forget the billions of pop-up ads on the internet that outright lie that you have won something. In a dishonest environment like this, how can one trust anyone?

The solution to cleaning out this cesspool of scams is simple. The idea has been planned out already, but the reader must not breathe a word of it until the general public is ready. Someday soon, the perfect solution to curing this age-old problem will be revealed as follows:
 * All advertisers must wear lie detectors, whenever they are promoting a product.**

Not just spokespeople for products will have to wear lie detectors, but those speaking on behalf of religious causes will be forced to comply as well. No more will desperate people send all their money to false messiahs. With a lie detector strapped to an arm no one will be able to trick others. This rule shall apply to all ads, with every advertisement having a spokesman officially state that the deal is legitimate. The truth will be immediately revealed. With this rule in place scammers will no longer be able to hide in anonymity when they send lies to customers. No, the would-be scammers will have to appear live every time and declare under a lie detector that they are telling the truth. What’s more, an armed guard will be present at every commercial to make sure that no tampering is done with equipment or any other tomfoolery. In this there is an added bonus. With all the millions of advertisements there are in the world, millions of guards will be needed. With this huge demand of cheap labor, global unemployment will virtually disappear. Back on topic, with this system in place the constant flood of fake pop-up ads will become extinct, and will be replaced by pop-ups that you can actually trust. Also, with the power of lie detectors precious money will not be wasted on fake diet pills, eBay accounts, cheap watches, and many other products. Americans will be able to truly believe a car salesman when he says that the car he is selling has no problems with it. The reason people will be able to completely trust advertisers is because the advertisers will be too terrified of the consequences of lying. This brings me to the last element of my master plan: the first time anyone states something about his/her product that is anything but the truth, the liar shall his their tongues cut out. With the fateful beep of the lie detector they shall have the organ that enables advertising removed. With this zero-tolerance policy, grifting and scams will utterly disappear. Even better, humans will for the first time be able to trust spokespeople for products or religions without hesitation.

Some skeptics may argue that there are easier ways to iron out the lies in society. Of course, if people just used their brains, they wouldn’t fall for all the scams out there. An even better solution would be if humans could improve their morality and become honest. These plans are all very nice and such, but neither of them has any chance of working. In today’s modern world, many people are still as clueless as those in the Dark Ages. Moreover, scams have become more clever and harder to detect than ever before. As for humans dropping their dishonest ways, let me make something clear to you: humans have been avaricious and manipulative since their dawn as a species some 120,000 years ago and they are not going to change now. It is impossible to alter basic human nature. No, the only way to solve this ancient problem is with an iron fist. Now some might argue that my planned method of punishment is overly harsh. Let me ask you, is cutting off someone’s tongue as bad as destroying an innocent person’s life savings, leaving them sorrowful and with little hope in human goodness? If cutting off one person’s tongue will save twenty people lost fortunes and broken heats, then so be it. Justice must prevail, and this plan is the type of swift justice that the human race needs badly.

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